Protecting my personal feelings

I made a mistake of posting my very personal feelings in this public blog. I poured all my feelings into this blog as it kind of relieved my mental load as I did not have time to setup another private blog suitable to capture my very personal feelings.
I will post only neutral information in my life here.
I have created a new home for all my personal journals which will be restricted for viewing.

Here is my new journal home : https://samayadagombe.wordpress.com

If you are interested in knowing my life more closely, you may want to send me a request by visiting above journal home.

Another sleepless night

It was another sleepless night yesterday. Though I had woken up at 5:30 and have been doing some work, had done Dance fitness in the evening, I was confident that I will sleep well. But for some reason, I woke up at around 12, couldn't close my eyes at all.
I watched Kabir Singh one more time on Netflix. It is strange that I was watching a Hindi movie twice and I had already watched Telugu version of the same. I got some messages from the movie, so mid night sleeplessness did not go in vain.
Kabir's dadi says there are 2 ways of parting. One where the person dies, and we somehow manage to convince the mind that it is impossible to bring the person back. The other is, we have to forget the person because he/she decided to move away. It is the second one that is very difficult to convince the mind. It is actually true. Suffering is personal, no one can feel it.
I don't know if I slept OK after watching the movie. Now I am alive and awake writing this. Hope this Sunday will not be wasted.

Improvement in recovery

I am almost back to normal now. The hauntings continue, but in small bursts and does not last longer. A lot of medium articles about happiness, how to get out of misery are helping the mind to be stable and lean towards positive thinking.
A good sign is, I am able to do 2 back to back workouts these days without fatiguing completely. After a strength workout, I am going for Dance fitness. My stamina is comparatively better during second workout compared to earlier.
Somewhere I read, "patch up or break up, don't go too low on your self esteem", which makes sense. But, what happens to life later is a haunting question, which I still have not found an answer. Most probably I might take the life as it comes.
One probable change that might help me is travel, I should take up solo travel to some tranquil places so the soul starts healing and accept the reality.
In spite of all these, I am still unable to figure out my fault in the whole scheme of things. In whatever angle I analyse, my actions were mere reactions to what happened, and at that time, I tried my best not to loose control. But still why this happened in my life is a big question. Did I expect too much? I don't know. Anyway, I can't blame anybody for what happened in my life, it is my life and I should figure a way to live it.
Signing off for yet another day...

Positive recovery

Today was better than yesterday. I could dance like crazy and sweat so much as I was literally drenched in sweat, yet was not so tired. That is a good feeling, shows my endurance is increasing. Thats a good sign for a fit body.
On my mental state, some of quora's posts, medium articles and interactions with friends are really helping me get over the past and focus on what I currently have in life. The very fact that I am writing this post shows, I am focussing my time and energy on things that matter.
Though I missed on guitar practice, I plan to spend some time tomorrow so that I am prepared for the weekend class.

The mantra is - "This too shall pass".

A mixed feeling day

Today was a day of mixed feelings. The feeling that I am going to miss a part of my life kept on lingering every moment. I tried suppressing this thought by bringing in a lot of positive thoughts. Interaction with friends helped get over the haunting thought.
Workout at Cult gave me a break for 2 hours. There was absolutely no thoughts during those two hours. I was dancing crazily though legs were paining. There is a wicked satisfaction in enduring this pain.
But I kept checking if there was a call or message. There is still a hope that things will get better, but that hope is diminishing by the days.
My life is going through interesting phase. Though I convince myself that I have accepted the worst case scenario, sometimes mind becomes weak and causes lot of confusion. It affects daily routines and I should consciously choose not to get distracted. I must work on controlling my mind and thoughts. May a bit more spirituality will help.

The Recurrence of that feeling

As the days pass, you are very confident of your role and purpose in life. You read good books, watch good movies and growing positive attitude towards life. You think you are going to conquer the world.
And, suddenly one day you wake up and feel you are lost, and your longing for that which was the primary reason for your existential crisis, increases. You can no longer focus on things, sleepless nights haunt you, you become very vulnerable. You have crossed over to the negative side.
This could be an opportunity to bounce back and gain higher amplitude on the positive side. But it is not an easy task, you will go through the suffering and same questions about purpose of your existence starts to haunt you.
You are afraid, life is not going to be same again. The eternal loneliness, the void, aimlessness - all these feelings hurt you to the core.
You become vulnerable and try to mend your broken heart and begin making peace with the same life that you once buried not to be re-opened. You beg, plead to go back to that life again, but somewhere you know it is not possible.

Then, slowly everything becomes clear, you make new conviction to live your life, and it is all over again. Sound mind in fit body becomes theme of life and future days will be happy and productive. But it doesn't happen just like that. You need a stimulus. This time, my stimulus was the book, "Be my perfect ending". When I started reading this book, some transformation took place and whatever I am feeling as missing in life became too small compared what I can achieve. So, I bounced back.

I am writing this so that if I ever get into the trap, I know this place will get me back to normal!

September "Fit body" updates

So far, I have lost 11kg in about 5.5 months.
Haven't been on any cycle rides. My walking goal was also not met in September.

The book - You are the best wife

This is a book I accidentally started reading without knowing that it was based on a true story. The whole story is very well written and I had my own imagination of Bhavna.
Like every tragedy story, the victim (in this case Ajay Pandey) faces existential crisis and starts asking fundamental questions like, what is the purpose of life? Why should I live? Should I earn? etc... (Can I relate to my earlier post? May be!)
But the way author has recovered from the terrible loss and his struggle to find the purpose to live, to live for others is really inspirational.
After finishing this book, I started asking questions like why do we love someone so much? When we know the absolute truth in life is death, why do we have desires, love, hate, anger and all the complex emotions that lead to mostly misery. I hope I will find my answers one day....
I feel this post is quite shallow and I have not been able to articulate my thoughts justifiably.